There is a delicate balance between keeping our kids safe and allowing them the freedom to grow. I grew up roaming the streets with my friends, not having a cell phone or water bottle. We just knew to come home at dinner time. My parents didn’t really know where we were. Times have changed. As parents we are now less inclined to just let our children roam. 

Have you ever been called a “helicopter parent”? Or maybe you’ve questioned yourself, wondering if you’re being too overprotective. It’s a common struggle. We all want to shield our children from harm, but we also want to raise independent, confident individuals. I know I do. 

One of my girls accosted me one day with the statement “You care too much and you never let us do fun things!” It was a huge issue about me being apparently overprotective. Mind you, we had just returned from 6 weeks in Europe and had taken them to do the things they wanted – like eating patisserie in France and going to the Eiffel Tower. But, no, we don’t do fun things. It ultimately was about sleepovers and how we don’t do them, and a little bit about how we don’t go camping. But it was a good opportunity to talk through why we don’t do sleepovers and what protection looks like. My girls have the freedom to go down the street to play with friends without me tagging along. When we go to parks and playgrounds, I am not hovering but just have them check in with me. There are plenty more aspects of freedom they have. A helicopter I am not. 

HOW DO WE FIND THE BALANCE?

There really are three key aspects to finding the balance of safety and freedom.

1. We need to recognize our fears. What are we truly afraid of? Is it physical harm, social embarrassment, or academic failure? We need to know what they are in order to sort it out in our head and in life.
2. We need to talk with our children. We need to express our concerns and listen to their perspective. I know that talking about the WHY is very important to my children. It isn’t just a “No” but they get to understand the reasons behind it. 
3. Trust our instincts: Ultimately, we know our children best. Trust your gut feeling, but also be open to adjusting your approach as your children grow and mature. And it is totally ok to have different approaches for different children. 

HOW TO APPROACH NOT BEING OVERPROTECTIVE

Finding the balance between safety and freedom for our children is a constant challenge. We need to spend time working on it – in ourselves and with our children. Otherwise being overprotective will take over.

We need to have age-appropriate expectations. Our children grow, develop and mature. We can’t just expect them to have a wide range of freedom right from the start. As our children demonstrate their responsibility and maturity, we can gradually increase their independence. 

Be willing to be open in your communication and collaboration. It really does help to not be “because I said so” or “it’s my way or not at all”. Listen to your children’s concerns, their fears and their desires. Let them be part of the decision making for rules or boundaries and expectations. 

Focus on Life Skills. Our children need to develop skills in problem-solving and know how to make good choices. In that we have risk-taking. I am a firm believer in allowing risk taking opportunities. And trust that your children can and will make good choices!

Establish clear and consistent rules and boundaries.

These need to be age-appropriate. Have your children involved in the decision making of these rules and boundaries, and what will be the consequences for breaking them. We want to allow for natural and logical consequences when possible (for example: You were late getting home from the neighbors, so that means you will have to be home earlier next time.) We can use consequences as learning opportunities.   

Encourage independence gradually. We don’t want to just jump in with free-range no-holds-barred freedom. Start small and gradually increase your child’s independence. Let them make small decisions, handle minor challenges, and experience the natural consequences of their choices.

Finding the right balance and not being overprotective is an ongoing process. There will be times when you feel you’ve overstepped or not been strict enough. There will be times when your children fully push the boundaries and challenge you. The key is to reflect, adjust, and continue to work towards a healthy parent-child relationship that fosters both safety and independence.