Expectation: Being the Perfect Parent

I want to move away from the expectations we put on our children and to the expectations we put on ourselves as parents. Especially this sudden trend to be the perfect parent. Let’s stop it. Who are we kidding? We will never be perfect and we will only exhaust ourselves trying to be so.  We need to be real and honest and decide that it is better in the long run if we are just ourselves and do the best we can.

How many of us have lost our temper with our kids? Have we struggled to not let loose with bad language? How many of us have had to walk away? I am the first to raise my hand. I have most certainly lost my temper on my girls, I have let fly with some bad language in their presence and I have had to walk away on numerous occasions. 

APOLOGIES ACCEPTED

But I have also gone and apologized later. I have modeled what it looks to make things right when you have said or done wrong things. I choose to do this because I want them to grow up into functioning adults. It is also important for them to see that I treat them with respect and they deserve to be treated like people, not just children who shouldn’t be seen and not heard. 

It is totally ok to lose our temper or to put our kids in time out (or even ourselves). It’s perfectly acceptable to draw a line and not accept push back, providing consequences for the actions. Don’t feel guilty. Do not feel like you have failed. You are a parent, a human, and you will mess up. 

SKILLS FOR PARENTING

If you find yourself sitting at the computer for parenting tips and skills for parenting, you are not alone. I applaud you for wanting to do better, for getting help to make the tantrums fewer and further between. We all need help. But I hope that you are not doing searches on how to be a perfect parent because you are feeling guilty, or seeing all these “amazing” parents that never get things wrong. Guess what? They are just good at only showing the highlights. I have had people tell me how great I am and how I have it all together……and I have had to stop myself from laughing in their face. But I have thanked them and then shared some of my tough moments so they can see we are all in this together. 

I had a friend who was striving at all times to be a perfect parent and I saw what a toll it put on her emotionally, on her marriage and on her relationship with her children. It broke my heart. And when you tried lovingly to guide her to let that aim go it would drive her towards more perfectionistic tendencies. It still breaks my heart. 

Is it ok to not be a perfect parent? Yes, oh yes!! Stop with the unrealistic expectations. Don’t put that stress on yourself.

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UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

How can we lower our expectations from “perfect” to “being the best I can be the way I know how”?

BE TRUE

We cannot hold ourselves to an impossible ideal. This doesn’t show our children anything but that big emotions are not ok and if you dare to show them then you are not a good person. Trying to hold it all together and hold it all in so that everything is ok is draining. They will learn to stuff everything in, which is not helpful. It will want to explode at some point. If we try to be perfect we are going to exhaust ourselves.

Let’s show our children how to work through situations, to express our feelings in a healthy way. Be true to you. If you need to talk through an issue, do it. If you need time away to work it out, tell your children why you need to walk away. Modeling perfection will never work out. For you or for your children. Be real. Don’t be afraid to be authentic and show your children how you respect them, even in the midst of a tough situation. 

BE OPPORTUNISTIC 

Take the opportunity to show your children how to deal with difficult emotions. If you pretend you aren’t frustrated, annoyed, disappointed, etc then we miss out on the chance to show our children how to navigate their feelings. This is a skill that will serve them all their lives. Children are quick to forgive. What a beautiful trait. If we can apologize we can all move on. Take that opportunity. 

TEACH

This is what I want to teach my girls:

• It’s ok to be imperfect. You will mess up some days, just like grown ups, whether with our words or actions. 
• There are consequences for our actions. If we do something good then you get consequences you like. If we act out, are disrespectful etc, then there are consequences you won’t like. You have a choice on how you will act. 
• Making it right for your actions or words is protecting peoples’ hearts and showing love, kindness and respect.
• You need to take responsibility for your actions. Offer and receive forgiveness with grace.
• We are all acceptable and lovable, even when we aren’t perfect.  

DON’T FALL INTO SHAME

I don’t know about you but I can be tough on myself. I find it hard that I need to work and therefore not give my girls all the attention all the time – even though I know I work from home, it’s only part time, and I have flexible hours. It is not healthy at any rate for me to give them 100% attention. I berate myself when I get short with the girls, especially when they are asking the same question over and over, or are interrupting me even when I have asked for 10 minutes. And I can end up feeling ashamed. 

I also find it hard that my husband and I have made decisions on how to raise our girls that are bucking some current parenting trends or thoughts. The tendency to judge myself and “are we doing the right thing?” is often there. I know that isn’t helpful but I do it anyhow.

ACCEPT THAT LIFE IS MESSY

Stop trying to avoid the mess of life. It is always going to be there. We should be guiding our children and teaching them. Being perfect isn’t going to help that but rather it might end up hurting ourselves and our children, often at the expense of our relationships.

Don’t be perfect. Be real. Try to be as calm as possible when the rough moments come, but cut yourself some slack when you end up being human. You cannot control every minute, every emotion, every decision. You can’t control your children (even if we REALLY want to – free will and personalities can be a tough thing.) But you can control yourself and the way you make it right if you lose control.  

Don’t be perfect. Be real.

LET IT GO

Here we let our inner Elsa fly and start singing “Let it go!” Let go of perfection, and be you. Show your children how to accept yourself exactly as you are and offer them the gift of a lifetime. Your relationship will do so much better because of it. Relieve yourself of the expectation of being a perfect parent.

other posts in the expectation series:
Advanced Early Development
Sitting Still
Sharing